Tag Archives: wedding

Why Winning Might Just be the Reason You Lose…

16 Monday Dec 2019

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I love winning. Who doesn’t?

In marriage we often take pride in winning arguments and being right.

My husband and I are both really good at this. Then we realized that always having to win regardless of each other, regardless of the consequences to our relationship, and regardless of what is best for our family may not be winning at all.

Image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay

It’s pride.

 And pride does no good ever. 

Let’s look at the characteristics of pride together:

* Pride is boastful (1 John 2:16)

* Foolish (Mark 7:21)

* Stubborn (Leviticus 26:19)

* Attacks (Psalm 56:2)

* Causes Strife (Proverbs 13:10)

* Lashes out (Proverbs 14:3)

So why in the world do we fight so hard to win if the consequences damage the very thing we should be fighting FOR?

Sometimes I forget that we are on the same team. I forget that our arguments shouldn’t damage us. When I look at this list I can check every single box. Been there, done that. I’ve even genuinely won a few good “heated” arguments but when I look back, I can’t figure out what my prize was.

Image by pasja1000 from Pixabay

A better relationship? Nope

A closer friendship? Nope

A stronger marriage? Nope

I could go on and on, but the truth is- nothing good comes from pride.

So let’s bring this back to reality for a minute. I’d be lying if I told you that I never get mad, that we never fight and that to this day I don’t care about winning. Oh, I do care and believe me so does he.

BUT- we have also realized a few things over the years. God has spoken to each of us about our hearts, about being humble and kind. About putting others first and taking a deep breath and stepping back and seeing the bigger picture.

Check out the characteristics of being humble and kind-

Image by Bessi from Pixabay

* You will be sustained (Psalm 147:6)

* Victorious (Psalm 149:4) (I liked that one….) sorry…not sorry.

* Exalted by God (Matthew 23:12)

* Have Favor (1 Peter 5:5)

Still feel like you won that argument? I know I don’t. Pride causes us to say and do things we shouldn’t. Having a humble heart causes us to look with eyes of love and not worry about winning or losing, but to be concerned with the greater good of the relationship in the long term.

Jesus became a man, was mistreated, beaten, and died on a terrible cross by people who were mocking him. Yet, the whole time the scriptures say that he was praying for God to forgive them. Not a great way to win a fight, but an awesome way to win a war.

Pride has the potential to destroy our marriages, while a humble heart has the potential to build something we may have never thought possible.  

Image by Fathromi Ramdlon from Pixabay

Maybe it’s not about right or wrong, maybe we don’t have to win. Just maybe we can disagree and work through our issues (and believe me we have quite a few…) without doing so much damage. I have started looking at what winning really means lately and for me, winning is still being married to this guy. (preferably happy) I’m not always great at backing down, seeing the other side of an argument, or being the better person, but I am a work in progress that wants to win more than the current battle that I am in.

I want to win the whole war.

Marriage Monday: Should I Respect My Partner Even If They Don’t Deserve It?

09 Monday Dec 2019

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Respect is earned, that’s for sure. So why should you ever be respectful of your partner if your partner is not respectful of you?

 I have to be honest here. I was the most disrespectful wife. The walls I had put up even before we married gave me the gift of a sharp tongue and a nasty disposition. I was owed something in this life and I let my husband know it. I didn’t trust easily and I wasn’t about to let my guard down.

Image by Luisella Planeta Leoni from Pixabay

 Did I deserve respect? I’m so embarrassed to admit this but the truth is I didn’t, not even a little. Thankfully, God had given Ryan the gift of forgiveness. He was able to look past my faults and love me anyway. He looked for things to appreciate about me and I’m sure if he were honest he would say that sometimes he had to search pretty hard.

Over time I softened and began to treat him with honor and respect as well.

We reap what we sow.

Ryan reaped respect because he had sown it for years. I reaped many ridiculously hard days because of my poor attitude. Today you choose which side you’re on. Your partner may not be worthy of respect either but you can still decide to give it.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

God says that respect is a must. The dictionary describes it as a deep feeling of admiration for someone’s abilities. It changes us to know that someone actually believes in us like that. It was Ryan’s ability to think so highly of me when I knew I didn’t deserve it, that caused me to want to live up to that belief.

Today choose to be respectful of your spouse. Choose to focus on the good in them and start right where you are. Sow today what you want to reap tomorrow and you will reap great rewards in your relationship.

  • Just a little disclaimer here too- we fully realize that some situations may not fit the parameters of this blog. Certainly we don’t condone abuse of any kind and are not claiming that any of you should respect abusers. In fact, we encourage anyone who may be in an unhealthy or abusive situation to seek professional help. Our situation was neither abusive or unhealthy, we were just stubborn people with bad attitudes that needed work on our issues.

Ephesians 5:33

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Prayer: Lord, show me how to better respect my spouse. Open my eyes to all of the great qualities that you have given them and help me to respect them for it. You say that respect is a must; I know there are many areas that I have fallen short in regards to respect. Please help me to do better beginning today. In Jesus name, Amen.

Marriage Monday – Why We Should Compliment Our Spouse!

02 Monday Dec 2019

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I remember a number of years ago, I had been asked to be in a wedding. My hair was done, I had put the bridesmaid dress on and Ryan walked into the room. He took one look at me and his eyes lit up and he said “Wow, you look amazing”.

I can’t tell you how great that moment made me feel.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

My day to day routine doesn’t usually lend itself to him noticing me the way he did that day. My ripped up sweat pants, t-shirts, and pony tail certainly don’t match a really cute dress and a great hair stylist but I still think there are opportunities to show our spouse how much we like them.

Seriously LIKE them.

By finding opportunities to really build each other up, we also begin to build confidence in our spouse and our relationship. When you see your spouse doing something you appreciate, tell them. It seems that the longer couples are together the less they feel the need to express those little moments to each other.

But notice the scripture reference for this one. “How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.”

Image by Hans Braxmeier from Pixabay

A few good compliments and then a description of their bed being “verdant”. I couldn’t resist- so I looked up the meaning and found that it means- green, fresh, and flourishing. (and people say the bible is boring…)

Doesn’t sound too bad now does it? Listen, we all need to feel wanted, desired, and appreciated. We want to know that we matter and are not taken for granted. After we get married we get into a routine and routines often lead to complacency. It’s not intentional, sometimes it’s just survival. Today let’s start to build each other up and hopefully we can have that green, fresh, and flourishing relationship that deep down we all wish for.

Scripture reference:

Song of Songs 1:16 “How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for giving me a spouse that is unique and wonderful. Help us both to see and appreciate all that they do and to remember not to take any of these things for granted. Let us look with new eyes today and always remember how important it is to express our appreciation for the many things that they do for us. Open our hearts to each other and renew our love to the point that it spills out into our words. In Jesus name, Amen.

Marriage Monday- The Peace That Comes With Accountability

28 Monday Oct 2019

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Do you call your spouse when you are going to be late? Does your spouse have the passwords for your email, social media, or cell phone? Why should they?

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Honestly-why shouldn’t they?

Unless you have something to hide, there should be no reason to not allow your spouse access to any of these items and more. Talk about causing us to think twice before we send a text to someone that might be outside the realm of what we would want our spouse to read. Phew…

Accountability is incredibly important in a marriage. Knowing we can count on our spouse in both word and deed is huge. On the other hand, hiding things from our spouse allows questions and insecurities to seep into the folds of our relationship. It’s not an issue of personal space; it’s an issue of honesty and trust.

If I get a text message and my husband is right there- he checks it. I do the same for him. Our phones, computers, and lives are just out there for the other to see. Because of that my husband doesn’t question me when something comes up. Accountability and Trust go hand in hand and there is no one’s trust that matters more to me than his. If I go shopping and I overspend, I show him the receipt. Why hide it? Listen, I’d rather have a solid foundation for our relationship to springboard off of than a receipt I hid in the trash and now have to worry about “getting caught”.

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

We hear people complain every day that “my wife / husband” should just trust me and I shouldn’t have to show them anything.  Let us put it to you this way, if our kids get quiet, if they start being secretive, we start looking. When their bedroom door is wide open, we don’t tend to stop what we are doing to check the situation out do we? By keeping our relationship wide open, the same is true. I don’t get on my husband’s phone and look through it, I could, but why bother? He leaves it right there for me to see and when I am on it – you get the idea.

Listen, we are the least perfect people in this world, but I really believe that this is one thing we do right. So many people today are stuck on fair vs unfair… Why should I… how dare they not trust me?… the list goes on and on. Our pride is our biggest downfall and some have lost marriages over it. Enough is enough, build trust, build accountability and build a marriage that lasts. If you have something to hide, your relationship will suffer. Stop hiding, start rebuilding trust and watch your relationship flourish as a result.

Scripture Reference:

1 Corinthians 13:6- Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Proverbs 20:7- The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.

Prayer:

Lord, help us to be accountable to our spouse. Let us become more aware of the importance of allowing ourselves to be transparent in our behavior both in public and private situations. Help us to show our spouse that they are truly the most important person in our lives. In Jesus name, Amen

Marriage Monday: Start Studying Your Partner!

21 Monday Oct 2019

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How would you feel if your spouse got up today and without saying a word began to do all those little tasks that you’ve wanted done for so long? I get warm fuzzies just thinking about it. The problem is- we are always waiting for the other guy to do these things. It’s an “I’ll do for them once they start doing for me” mentality and that just doesn’t work.

Photo Via Pixabay

It isn’t a coincidence that one of the most powerful ways we can show our love for our spouse is by putting their needs ahead of our own. Instead of watching that TV show, we get them their coffee. Instead of that hot bath we desperately need, we help our spouse with a chore they wanted to get done. Watch what happens in our relationships as we begin looking for ways to care for our partner.

I remember when my husband and I were dating, I used to pay attention to everything. I could tell you all of Ryan’s favorite things. I may have even been a bit over the top about it all. Ahhhh, young love… Today, I’m not sure I could tell you what he is wearing.

Sometimes we just have to begin at the beginning. So start studying your partner again. Make note of the little things that we normally overlook- did they wish for that special item at the store? Stop and pick it up for them. Make them their favorite meal or dessert. Pick up your dirty socks that you leave by the side of your bed every single day… (nobody here does that- but if you do) Do those things that you know would really please your spouse. If you commit to making this a habit in your marriage, you will find that BOTH of you will reap great rewards in your relationship.

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Recently I went out of my way to grab a coffee for Ryan. Nothing expensive, just his usual iced coffee with a little caramel. I drove to where he was and asked him to run out to my car. When he rounded the corner I held up the coffee and blew him a kiss. He looked at me in the midst of his crazy day and said “man I freaking love you”. And ya know what? I freaking love him too. I really didn’t have time to grab him that coffee but I am so glad I did. Sometimes the little things really do make the biggest difference. And guys, don’t wait on your partner to start. You be the one today that makes the difference. Buy the coffee, pick up the socks, leave the note, do the thing… and don’t stop. Little changes today can reap great rewards tomorrow.

Scripture Reference:

Galations 5:13- You my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another humbly in love.

Philippians 2:4– not looking to your own interests but each of you tothe interests of the others.

Prayer:

Lord, you are the greatest servant of all time. Thank you for showing us how important it is to serve and care for our spouse. Help us to better notice those things that will please our partner and to act in those areas. Show us how to set aside our own desires to meet our partner’s needs. Help us to see the benefit of studying our partner and learning what it means to treat them the way that you would. Thank you Jesus for being an amazing example to us, help us to strive today to be that same great example to our children and family as well. In Jesus name, Amen.

Marriage Monday- It’s Time to Start Dating Again!

14 Monday Oct 2019

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When we got married, my husband would still ask me on dates. I thought it was silly. Why should I date him when I’m married to him? 

Then one day I realized something. We have to be intentional with our marriages and dating couples should not be having more fun than us old married folk. Seriously! 

Photo Via Pixabay

The thing is – dating couples ARE intentional. When you were dating you went to dinner, the movies, on picnics, or to a local coffee shop. The point is, you found ways to have fun together. Once married we stop doing this. I mean why do I need to put my effort into planning time away with my partner when I live with them?  Planning goes out the window and life settles in.

What I found out was that daily life has a way of causing us to forget all the great things we love about each other. My husband is the most hilarious person I have ever met, but when I am cleaning the toilet, I am not thinking about his humor, I’m thinking about how much I wish ALL the men in my house would more carefully aim.

Photo Via Pixabay

And we are both huge talkers. We can talk for hours, laugh for days, and really cover a million topics in a matter of minutes. The thing is, we don’t do that as often as we used to because there are lunches to pack and bills to pay. We come home and we begin running around the house “trying to get things done” just so we can be ready for the next crazy day.

When we were dating, we talked on the phone for hours, we found any excuse to be together, went out of our way to please each other and gave up other things just to have some fun together.

Who has time for that these days?

It’s time we make time and here’s how we do that in the midst of the busy life we have today.

Twice a month my husband and I have a “date night” that works both as a time to reconnect as well as a time to cross some household items off the list. Dinner is a must for our date night, then we leave the rest open a bit. Usually we end up at the grocery store to grab what we need for the week ahead. I know, us crazy kids… The thing is we look so forward to this night because we try different restaurants and we take our time with dinner. This is an opportunity to reconnect, regroup, and release any of the stress of the last couple weeks. Some nights we do go to the movies, or out for ice cream, but the point is, this is a time for us to be us again. (and the grocery store is just a side note for us- we are in town, don’t want to go back to town, so we quickly get what we need- for us it’s a win win.)

Photo Via Pixabay

At least once a year we go away for a couple days, just the two of us. We love our trips to the wineries, we love heading to the city for a show, we love finding a nice place to stay and sleeping in and letting someone else clean the toilet for a change.

You married your spouse for a reason. Stay married for a reason. Remember the things you used to do that kept you excited to be together and start doing them again. And if money is tight, then find ways to be together that won’t cost a lot. When my husband and I started planning these dates, we literally kept an envelope of money that we would put a few extra dollars in anytime we could and when it added up to be enough to head out- we did. When there was no extra money, we took a long walk, found some free event happening near us or just had the grandparents watch the kids so we could sit on the back porch with a good cup of coffee and just be together for a bit. The point is we made time for each other.

Photo Via Pixabay

This week- We challenge you to be creative and ask your spouse on a date. Make it fun, make it something you both like to do, bring back an old memory that you shared. But no matter what you choose, let this be a night where you commit to just having a good time. Problems can be dealt with later and chores will still be there. For one night, just be you again.

 Laugh, eat, hold hands, and talk. It’s amazing how one night of fun can wash away days of stress and anxiety. Start dating again- it’s a great thing.

Scripture Reference:

Proverbs 17:22– A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Prayer:

Lord, today let us learn to have fun again. Remind us to have a cheerful heart and to remember to be just as intentional today with our relationships as we were in the beginning. Help us to see the importance of enjoying our time together and making fun a priority. In Jesus name, Amen.

Marriage Monday- 2 Simple Keys of Communication

07 Monday Oct 2019

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1. We have to watch our words.

Our words have power. They build up or they tear down. How we talk to and about our spouse will literally change the course of our relationship. Do we feel like speaking negatively at times? Sure, but that does not ever mean that we should.

Listen, the truth is- what comes out of our mouth is still a choice regardless of what the other person does or says. By changing what we say, we also change what we concentrate on. As we speak positively about our spouse to others, we start to appreciate the positive aspects of our spouse even more. By speaking kind words to each other we will find that our relationships will begin to improve as well.

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The reality is, even apart from marriage it’s just a truth that if you improve your words in a situation it always equals an improved attitude, which always moves us in a positive direction. So if this concept works outside of marriage, why wouldn’t it work inside our marriage as well?

2. We have to learn to listen

My husband and I are really great with words. We both have big opinions and ideas, and we like sharing them with each other. (good and bad) But to be honest, we struggle with listening to each other and since we both know that we are right, it’s hard to sit back and listen. I mean why waste the time listening when we can get right to “my” point and be done.

Anyone else struggle here?

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The thing is, most people need to be heard to feel cared about. If I don’t give my partner the chance to voice their own hopes, joys, ideas, concerns, irritations, and issues then I’ve ultimately told them that they don’t matter and I don’t care.

Harsh? Maybe, but full of truth too.

It’s time we sat down and allowed our spouse to talk, and I mean- really talk. It’s time to listen even when we don’t want to and especially when we don’t like what we are hearing. It’s just plain time. We need to let our spouses know that what they think matters and that even if we don’t agree with them, we still love them enough to hear them out.

Scripture Reference:

Ephesians 4:29- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

James 1:19 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…

Prayer:

Dear Lord, We realize that our words have power. We ask your forgiveness for using words over our spouse that may have hurt them. Today we recommit to use our words to build our spouse up not only in our home but to those outside our home as well. We ask that you convict us of any unhealthy words that we are speaking and help us to do a better job of encouraging and loving our spouse with our words. We also ask you to help us listen to each other in a way that allows us to show love and respect to our spouse.

Thank you Jesus, Amen.

Marriage Monday- Week 1 The Foundation

30 Monday Sep 2019

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Thought for this week:

Let’s start our marriage journey today by reconnecting and reestablishing the foundation of our marriages.

You see, Marriage is meant to be a blessing from God. As we begin to reconnect in our marriage, it is also important to put our marriage back into God’s hands. By recommitting to God, we have given our marriage new life and new hope. Remember, apart from God we can do nothing, but with God all things are possible. If you have a great marriage today, that’s awesome, let’s make it even better, and if your marriage is struggling, that’s ok too; these weeks are designed to give you the tools you need to have the marriage you always wanted.

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How can we reconnect with God in our marriage?

Although we will be digging deeper into many of the topics we are about to mention- it’s important to start somewhere. Whether you are doing these weeks together (which is always best) or apart (gotta do what you gotta do)-

1. Start with prayer. Pray for God to become the center of your relationship again. Then pray for your spouse. Pray for healing in those places that have been damaged by life, by mistakes, misunderstandings, and challenges. Pray together and for each other.

2. Start doing a short devotion together. Maybe pick a book of the bible and read a verse or two in the evening and discuss it.  There are also some great apps out there that can do the hard work for you. In fact, this summer my husband and I used the “You Version Bible App”. Through this app there are short devotionals that are only a few days long up to many weeks. The topics they have for marriage are really awesome. At the end of each days devotion there is a question for you to answer that you both can see. For us it was awesome to be able to continue our devotional time together even while one of us was on the road somewhere. These devotions didn’t take a ton of time and really caused us to think about parts of our relationship we may have neglected (and that was a good thing!).

3. Finally and simply- just begin. This isn’t about being perfect, if you don’t pray or do a devotion every single day- it’s ok. The point is to begin somewhere. There are no “rules” to follow, only suggestions to get us back on the roadmap that God created for us.

Scripture reference:

Genesis 2:18 (NIV) The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:23-24 (NIV) The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Prayer:

Lord, we release our marriage to you today. We ask that you become the center of our marriage, our family and our lives. We commit today to allow you to change us, teach us, and mold us into the people you have called us to be and to allow you to work in this marriage to improve it. We know that you created marriage; and it was you who gave each of us our needs and desires within our marriage relationships to bring us balance. We are no longer going to look at our spouses differences as a negative, but as a complement to our own unique personalities. We thank you for this fresh start in our marriage Lord and we look forward to the days ahead with you as the center of it. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Marriage & Yours

25 Wednesday Sep 2019

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 “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”

  This is the message that my husband sent me on a random Wednesday morning just a few weeks ago. 

It’s apparent that he could use some work on his skills with the ladies, but after all these years I already knew that. (jk) (well sorta).

Photo Via Pixabay

Today is our anniversary and I have to say this sums up our marriage pretty perfectly. And yes, I do plan to irritate him every single minute of the day for the rest of his life- especially now that I know how much he loves it. 

Photo Via Pixabay

Seriously though, marriage can be super annoying, and fun, and frustrating, and full of so many different challenges and joys in life. It’s a chance to laugh together, cry together, and work through some of the best and worst of ourselves.

I frequently tell my husband that at this point, whether he wants to or not, he has seen far to much of my “worst” so he can never leave.

As much as I hope you know that I’m joking, I also really mean it. Listen, we all have those moments we’d like to forget and being married often means there’s a witness to our crazy.

Photo Via Pixabay

I love posting about the great days and putting the biggest smiles on social media but as for the skeletons in my closet, those need to stay locked up tightly.

A few years ago my husband and I were asked to lead a marriage conference. It was some of the hardest work we have ever done. I personally had no idea how writing, speaking, and planning together would cause us to really re-evaluate our own relationship. Now, if you’ve read this blog for long, you fully realize that we are not experts. However, you also know that life and all its challenges often causes us to grow and learn and change in ways we never thought we could.

And that’s what we have to give.

The tidbits we have learned over the years have taken us from that immature, selfish, ridiculous young couple to having a much more content, happy, and most of the time skeleton free life.

So that being said and in honor of our anniversary we have decided to share some of those tidbits with you. Each week we will post a little excerpt from the teaching we did and hopefully you will gain some great grains of wisdom for your own relationship.

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So, Happy Anniversary sweetheart, here’s to helping other couples irritate each other in the happiest way possible for the rest of their lives too.

See ya next week.