Just one week after I finished writing our month one health blog- I gain two pounds. Two pounds!! I didn’t go off plan once, not even once! Incidentally, I’ve learned a few things- #1. You can gain weight eating healthy foods. #2. Delicious grapes dipped in straight cream cheese needs to be eaten within reason. Now, for those of you who have never tried this delight, don’t knock it till you give it a chance. Month 2 started out with me craving sugar, bread and every single thing we had eliminated from our diet. In order to fight these cravings I decided to have a little bit of the aforementioned treats. I love them, in hindsight though- you can’t tell yourself that you can eat the entire package of cream cheese over a 2 day period along with some extra fried chicken wings and think that you won’t gain a pound.
I did know better, and although every item I ate was on the list of allowable foods, I fully realized that they were not the best choices. (Insert deep frustrated breath).
In my yo yo dieting days, I would feel wonderful as the weight was coming off, then the minute a pound came back on failure set in and giving up would follow. The old mantra would always begin with “I knew I couldn’t do this. It’s impossible”. “Look at all the people who have failed trying to lose weight and get healthy, if they can’t do it I certainly can’t”.
It never ends.
Today, I welcomed that garbage in like I welcome those Klondike bars in the freezer section of my supermarket. I chewed those thoughts up, swirled them around in my head and feasted on them. As I did, that old failure mentality came crushing back until I slapped it square in the face.
Sometimes you just have to take a stand.
I stood. (And you may stop reading after you hear this, but in my head a battle raged that I needed to win) So, I pictured myself with a knockout punch to the head of that horrible hate filled monster that was hijacking my thoughts. Hey, I’m a pretty good fighter and I didn’t even know it.
Seriously though, in the past this set back was my excuse to quit. Those thoughts dragged me right to the kitchen, where I would follow them with a binge like you have not experienced before. I can whip up a mug cake faster than you can read this paragraph and that’s just the appetizer. The chips and dip, the cookies, cheesecake, chocolate covered cherries, the Klondike bars- these are items straight from heaven itself. And because I had “failed” I would eat these things at first to comfort myself but that comfort would soon be replaced by an even greater failure and because I had failed again, I would begin to believe that I didn’t deserve success. (Insert more bad food choices here) Unchecked emotions always lead to another step in the wrong direction. Always.
Can I be honest? I’m embarrassed just reading this back to myself.
However, the truth is the truth, and how can we move forward if we are not honest with ourselves first and then others?
At this point, I needed to figure out how to move forward. One word came to mind and I tried to sucker punch it too but it wouldn’t go away. (Can you see my grumpy face in your head?)
I don’t have time for this. There must be another way. We were already making time for Ryan to go in to work early a few days a week to exercise with a friend. So that meant me carrying the weight of the morning routine on my shoulders which made for an awesome excuse for me. I mean I didn’t need the exercise as much as him right? And It’s not that I hate it, I just don’t like it. I do on the other hand, hate sports bras, sweat, soar muscles and the time it takes on top of all of the other chores and mom duties that I have on my plate.
This time has to be different, this time I can’t commit to hard core cardio every day, I can’t commit to weight training for hours, I need something doable for me personally. Something that I can measure every day and work within my schedule. Just like fad diets don’t work for me, fad workouts don’t either.
Years ago, I had a cheap watch with a pedometer in it. I loved seeing how many steps I could get in a day. It broke after about 6 months and I never replaced it. This is where I decided to start so I got on the internet and bought myself a new sports watch. Nothing fancy just something to allow me to monitor my steps each day and to set goals for myself. Will I add some other workouts to the mix? Sure, but this would allow me to set daily goals that are attainable, can be worked right into my job (what’s an extra trip or two around the building if I am not making my step goal that day?), and it’s something I enjoy. I actually like setting those step goals and trying to see what it takes to beat them.
I am winning, not because the scale is turning around, not because I look the way I want to, (neither of these is true at this moment) but I’m winning because today, I broke the pattern. Today I chose a different path, I chose to take the one less traveled, the one with a different script that leads to a different destination. Instead of the cake, I chose the stepper.
So goodbye embarrassment, I refuse to think twice about the crazy in my head. Instead, I’m going to concentrate on the gold medal around my neck. The one that says that I am God’s girl, beautiful, redeemed, hopeful, and thankful.
2 Timothy Says “I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith.” That is my new mantra. That is my new script.
Tomorrow I’ll take another step forward and one day I will win this race.